How To Help Someone Through a Tough Time

Over the past few weeks I came across a few stories of individuals going through challenging times. Some of the individuals are very close to me. Some of the situations are pretty gnarly. 

I’ve had some deep conversations sharing each other’s past wars and the insights gained with some of these individuals directly as well as their loved ones.

As I’ve written a couple of blogs on how to get through a tough time, part one and part two, this got me thinking about writing a brief PSA on helping someone navigate through a tough time. 

When I started writing this blog, I realised I’ve got quite a bit to say. That’s why I decided to start off with a few important points first and then talk more on the topic later.

I am also still meditating on some of the stories and insights.

So, I’m going to share with you some suggestions to help you help someone you know who’s going through a tough time.

1. First and foremost do not tell them I told you so! Instead give them hope.

Don’t tell them that I told you so, that job, that partner, that investment, that vacation, that decision etc was a bad idea! 

This is not the time to win your argument and prove to them that you were right all along. It’s only going to add to their pain and make them feel even more sad, guilty and ashamed. 

Right now they are stuck in this mental hell of coulda-woulda-shoulda. Their focus is on the problem. We need to help them shift their focus to the solution instead. 

Give them hope. Make them see a life beyond this existing chaos. 

The best gift we can give any fellow human is HOPE.

You do not have to offer the perfect solution to be able to give them hope. Even just saying that every problem has a solution, and together we will figure it out, is more than enough to get them to see light at the end of the tunnel. 

Our existence depends quite a lot on the victories of others. We want evidence of fellow humans having endured similar or harder challenges. 

In my opinion, sharing personal stories is the best way to give someone hope. So share some stories of victories, not of failures. Share your own or if you remember any past wins of the individual, remind them how they overcame them.

2. Do not practise Empathy. Instead practise compassion 

Sometimes we get so caught up in relieving the loved one or even a stranger of their pain. One reason for this entanglement is that we may feel the exact emotions they’re feeling and living their entire experience in our mind.

So, the real reason why we may want to relieve someone of their pain so badly is because we want relief from the pain we feel from being part of the experience! 

I know the common belief is that empathy is the way to go. But empathy is not an emotion I encourage. 

If we get down to the same emotional level of someone, we will not be able to help them. We could be adopting the same Mindset which created their challenge. 

We need a new angle to look at the problem and help the person out of their current situation. 

And oftentimes I’ve seen where people create the same problems as their loved one in their own lives! Emotions can be contagious too. So try not to feel the same emotions and live the same experiences as the one you’re trying to help.

Instead compassion is a better emotion to practise.

It is a much higher order emotion which can help you empower someone to change their Mindset and overcome their challenge. By adopting a compassionate attitude we can still relate to the pain without immersing ourselves in the painful emotions. 

It can help us stay detached from the problem and stay focused on the solution. 

3. Ask what you can do to help

This is a very empowering question to ask. 

When we ask them what we can do to help them, we are encouraging them to see beyond their problem and get their attention on the solution. They are gently nudged to come up with their own answers.

It also shows that we trust them to make decisions which are right for them. Again out of goodwill we could get caught up with wanting to do everything for them to pull them out of their misery. 

But what could really help someone is making them feel their own power. 

That they are not stuck in a helpless situation and that there is a way out of their situation.

Also, giving them a chance to make decisions is also a way of showing respect and dignity to the individual. 

Sometimes what can happen is that an individual may feel so ashamed that someone else has to make decisions on their behalf. That they’ve come to a point that they’ve lost control of their own life. I have felt this way before. I’ve heard it from others too.

Instead when we proactively ask them what we can help them with, it will give them their power back and even take full control of the situation. 

Most of the time we know deep down what needs to be done, we just need someone by our side to help us get through our darkest times. Having just that assurance is enough. 

A verse from one of my fav poems by Christian D Larson’s Promise Yourself:

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

Summing up, the three magic words are hope, compassion and empowerment.

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